"I'm not seeing the heartbeat."

Disclaimer: This post is going to be long.  Really long.  And it's going to be sad.  Really sad.  I figured I would just do one massive post about my miscarriage instead of being a Debbie Downer through several posts.  Oh, and it's going to contain things about blood.  If you can't handle any of that, then you should probably close this window. 

My second pregnancy was completely and totally different than my first.  I had very little morning sickness (I didn't feel pregnant really at all) and was spotting since I was 5 weeks.  The spotting was very minimal - usually just brown discharge with the occasional bit of red blood.  I had the spotting checked several times and the baby always looked fine and was growing right on track.  Well, over the weekend the bleeding worsened to the entire tissue paper being covered in red blood.  I called the doctor on Sunday and he thought that everything was probably alright.  He asked me to go to the ER if it got worse or make an appointment for Monday.  I decided to wait until Monday. 

Monday came and quickly became a day I will never forget.  My appointment was at noon.  My mother-in-law was at my house visiting and gladly kept Anna.  I went to the appointment alone and fully expected that everything would be completely fine because it had been every other time.  There was no reason for Alex to come, because we just knew that everything was fine.  Also, I knew that once you see the baby's heartbeat there's a 90% chance of survival.  Once you get to 10 weeks, there's a 97% chance of the baby making it.  I thought that there was no way something was wrong.  I mean, that stuff happens to other people - not me.  Right?

The doctor came in and did an internal exam.  He didn't see any blood and said that my cervix looked great.  I wasn't surprised because I just knew that everything was fine.  He got the ultrasound ready and I laid back.  He quickly found the baby and started trying to locate the heartbeat.  That's when I became alarmed.  The baby was eerily still.  No movement and no flicker of a heart beating.  I asked if Dr. Weinstein could see it, thinking that maybe I just wasn't able to.  He was very quiet and replied, 'I'm not seeing the heartbeat.  I'm so sorry'.  My face lost all color as the disbelief set in.  I had a missed miscarriage.  I think I said something along the lines of 'No, that can't be' and then started to cry.  He kept moving the ultrasound wand around as though he was willing the baby to be alive.  I tried to stay still, but was shaking.  Dr. Weinstein paged his nurse, Kendra, into the room.  He quickly asked her to get Jan, the office's ultrasound technician.  He handed me some tissues because I was sobbing by this point. 

Dr. Weinstein left the room briefly while we waited for Jan.  I found my phone.  I was at the appointment alone - again, because Alex and I both thought everything was completely fine.  I called Alex's cell phone.  No answer.  I called again.  Nothing.  Dr. Weinstein popped in to check if I was alright.  I lied and said yes.  I text messaged Alex.  No reply.  I called his work phone.  He answered.  I dreaded telling him that our baby was gone.  He instantly knew something was wrong.  Without hesitation he said he was on his way.  I text messaged my mom to let her know and asked her to drive up.

Dr. Weinstein came back in and set the ultrasound up again.  Jan came in and confirmed that the baby had died at 10 weeks, 4 days (on December 1st).  It hit me that I had been carrying around a dead baby for almost a week thinking that everything was progressing normally.  I began sobbing.  Jan patted my arm several times and told me how sorry she was.  I could only nod.  Little known fact about me: when I start crying, I cannot get any words out.  Dr. Weinstein asked me to get dressed and meet him in his office.  My mom hadn't responded, so I text messaged her again.  Alex called and asked if he should come to the hospital or go home.  I told him I didn't know.  I numbly put on my underwear and maternity pants and made my way to Dr. Weinstein's office.  I was still in disbelief and still crying uncontrollably. 

Dr. Weinstein came in and said that he wants to do a D&C (a procedure where they cut away the lining and contents of your uterus) the next morning in the Women's Health Center OR within the hospital.  He gave me even more tissues.  He explained that they normally do D&C's in their office, but because I was so far along it would be really uncomfortable.  He wanted to do the surgery in the OR so that I can be sedated so that I'm comfortable.  I appreciate that, but could only get out a nod.  He explained that a tissue sample would be sent off for genetic testing - it would take 8 weeks to get results.  Dr. Weinstein went on to say that this isn't my fault and I couldn't have done anything to save the baby.  (Then why do I feel so damn guilty and like such a failure?)  I was able to ask him if this meant I was more likely to have a miscarriage in the future.  He said that my chances of miscarriage do not increase until I've had three.  I can't even imagine going through this three times.  He wrote out several prescriptions that I was suppose to fill and bring to the surgery.  He just kept saying how sorry he was, which made me cry even harder.  I was given more tissue.  He asked if I had any questions and then stood up to take me out in the hall.  He gave me a big hug.  This is why I love him - he was so compassionate and caring in one of my most vulnerable moments.  I was led to the hallway where nurse Kendra found me.  She gave me a huge hug and apologized.  I sobbed in her arms.  I love her too.  You could tell that she really hurt for me.  I was given more tissue. 

Kendra started to walk me to the waiting room, but side tracked me to the room where they do the non-stress tests.  She wanted me to calm down a bit before I got in the car.  Understandable.  We talked for a few minutes.  Well, she talked and I attempted to through sobs.  I told her I just wanted to go home.  She walked me to the waiting room and I made my way through the hospital to my car - tears streaming down my face.  I got in the car and called Alex.  I tried to tell him everything, but I could only sob uncontrollably.  I still hadn't heard from my mom, so I asked him to call her.

He tried calling my mom. No answer.  He tried calling my sister.  No answer.  Alex called my dad and got through.  He passed along the info and Dad said he was going to find Mom and Jen to tell them.  Apparently, my mom and sister were hosting a Christmas party for a group they are in with about 45 ladies.  Nothing like ruining their party...  I guess my dad made it to the house and told someone that he needed to speak with my mom and sister.  My mom told me that one look at my dad and she knew something was really wrong.  He had tears in his eyes and his lip was quivering.  She instantly knew it was bad.  They tried to wrap up the party as quickly as they could and hit the road.  I managed to talk to both of them (read: cry hysterically on the phone).  All I wanted was for them to get to my house - I needed them.

I made it home and Alex was waiting with my sweet Anna in his arms.  Alex gave me a huge hug and Anna patted my face.  I lost it.  I numbly walked upstairs and fell into my bed.  I just wanted to escape and get away.  My mother-in-law watched Anna while Alex consoled me in our bedroom.  He was so strong for me - because I needed it.  I was anything but strong.  I know he is hurting too.  God, I love him. 

The phone rang.  It was the surgery center with some questions for me.  I answered everything and was given a number to call to preregister.  I called and took care of that.  I called my Monday-night professor to tell him.  I got about 6 words out before I lost it.  Alex had to talk to him and tell him that I wouldn't be in class.  I was suppose to have my final group presentation - the professor excused me from it.  He was completely understanding.  I emailed my group and explained the situation.  I emailed my Tuesday-night professor and asked if I could move my presentation to the following week and explained that I would not be in class the next day.  He replied and is completely willing to do whatever needs to be done.  My sweet Aunt Diane called.  I had to hand the phone to Alex again.  My cousin Rita called.  I didn't even try and talk.  I knew there wasn't a chance that I would be able to.  She understands.  I got text messages and emails from other family members.  Let me just say that I have the best family on Earth.  I love them all so much. 

I laid in bed the rest of the afternoon.  Alex laid with me for a while and we talked.  He brought up something to eat and drink for me.  He brought up Anna so I could cuddle with my little girl.  I squeezed her a little tighter than normal.  I tried to get a little sleep.  It wasn't happening.  Every time I closed my eyes I saw the ultrasound screen shot of the baby without the heartbeat.  Surely I will run out of tears at some point. 

I went downstairs just in time to see a white blur fly up my street.  It was my mom and sister.  Just what the doctor ordered!  We cried for a bit.  Then we did what we do best - laugh.  It was perfect.  We giggled all evening long.  I told you I needed them.

I had a horrible time sleeping that night.  When I was alone with my thoughts the tears start back up.  I eventually fell asleep for a couple of hours.  Woke up around midnight and took a bath.  Used that time to shave my legs as a courtesy for the hospital staff.  It took forever to fall back asleep and woke up well before my alarm.  I think I maybe got about 4 hours of sleep that night. 

Alex and I got up and got ready.  I jealously watched Alex eat his breakfast.  We headed to the hospital a little bit early.  I checked in, signed the paperwork, and then waited.  Eventually I was taken back to my room.  I changed into my gown and got in the bed.  The nurse came in to start my IV and take some blood.  She asked if I was a hard stick and I explained all the problems they had when I was in the hospital with Anna.  Long story short, she got the IV going on the 4th try.  She was thisclose to calling in backup.  I was given IV antibiotics.  They ran a ton of blood work, which all came back normal.  I talked the the anesthesiologist and the nurse anesthetist and answered all of their questions.  I signed all the consent forms and the nurse went over the recovery information (No activity for today, no lifting today, take pain medication as needed, antibiotics twice a day, and a medicine to stop bleeding three times a day,  follow-up appointment in 3 weeks, and when to call the doctor).  Alex and I decided to donate the baby's remains to Washington University's medical school for studying.  We figured that could some good could come from this.  Then we were left to wait.  And wait.  And wait some more.  My daddy drove up for the surgery and came back to the room to wait with us.  So, we waited some more.  Alex and my dad started talking about business stuff, so I closed my eyes.  My doctor had a surgery before my case, which ran over.  I just wanted to get the thing over with.  I was thirsty and hungry and tired.  And, I was ready to be sedated so that I could finally get some sleep. 

My doctor finally showed up and things started moving quickly.  We talked to the doc, I kissed Alex and my dad, and then was wheeled off to the operating room.  They moved me to the operating table.  They had to check that my bottom (the nurse full on groped me) was on the correct place on the table.  I said something like "Do I have to pay extra for that?"  They put an oxygen mask on and then I remember them saying that they were going to put a strap over my stomach so I wouldn't fall off of the table and that they were going to add an armrest to the table. 

The next thing I knew, I was being told to open my eyes and take deep breaths.  (The surgery only took 15 minutes and everything went perfectly.)  I tried my hardest to open my eyes, but I just couldn't keep them open.  I managed to ask for Alex and they went and got him.  The next 30 minutes was a blur of being told to open my eyes and holding Alex's hand.  They bribed me with a drink, but I had to be able to hold it on my own.  Eventually I was able to have a soda.  Alex kept patting my arm and telling me to keep my eyes open.  The quicker I could open my eyes, the quicker I could get dressed, and the quicker I could go home. 

The nurse finally let me get dressed with Alex's help.  I was put in a wheelchair and rolled to our car, where Alex was waiting.  We left the hospital and my second pregnancy was over.  We went to Walgreens because it occurred to me that I didn't have any pads at home.  Alex ran into get the pads and chocolate.  Did I mention how much I love him?  We picked up McAllister's for lunch and headed home.  I gave Anna a huge hug (I can't pick her up until tomorrow) and then scarfed down my food.  I then headed upstairs to cuddle up with Lucy and sleep.  I was finally able to sleep (I think the pain meds had something to do with that).  Alex kept coming up to check on me and see if I needed anything.  I went back downstairs at some point and Alex cooked dinner.  *Note to all my single readers - marry a man who can cook.*  Dr. Weinstein called to check on me.  (I love this doctor!)  We ended the night by watching 'Christmas Vacation'.  It was just what the doctor ordered.  We laughed our rears off.  Laughter really is the best 'medicine'. 

I know this has been an incredibly long and detailed post.  Honestly, it was kind of therapeutic to get it all out in the open.  Alex and I are extremely sad by the loss of our baby.  This baby was planned and dearly wanted.  We were so completely thrilled to become parents again.  We were making plans for this baby and loved it dearly, even though it was only a few months old.  I'm so glad the surgery is over so we can move on.  I feel empty though.  I know time heels all wounds, and we will get through this. 

Rationally, I know that there was probably a chromosomal mismatch and the baby would not have been healthy.  But, I feel guilty for losing the baby, like it was my fault.  Or that I caused this or that I'm just really bad at being pregnant.  I know I am able to have healthy children because I can look at my beautiful daughter.  I just can't help but feel like I'm flawed.  Alex and I will try for another child.  I'm already nervous for our next pregnancy.  I'm going to be scared of an other miscarriage, or worse - another missed miscarriage.  I won't be blissfully unaware of the potential risks.  I won't feel like we are in the clear when see the next baby's heartbeat.  If the pregnancy is viable, I'm then going to be scared of my water breaking early.  I know I'll be high-risk again, but I'll also be extremely high-stress... But, we will try again because we want another child.  However, it's looking more and more like two is going to be enough.  I can't handle the stress.

For now, I have my amazing husband, daughter, family, and friends for support.  I have the best family and friends that anyone could ask for.  I'm so grateful for their support and appreciate the help and kind words that they have given us.  And just when I thought that I had cried all the tears in my body, my sweet Anna reminded me that there's still a reason to smile and laugh and be so thankful that I already have one beautiful and perfect little girl.

Anna has the best belly laugh:

(video - I think you need to go to the actual blog to view the video.)